cupotrevor's happy blog home

I know it's been awhile...

2005-06-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

But i've got my sister's kids for the summer and they really don't need to know about my excesses of the past so i'll be updating a bit infrequently of late....
i hope this dosen't inconvience anyone..

continued once again.....

2005-05-22T10:49:00.000-07:00

Pt 10-
the rocky horror picture show
is the diversion for the time being
humor is a difficult concept to grasp
especially now that i no longer care,
the yelling is muted, i can barely hear the running
commentary,
but enough has been committed to memory
to no longer need volume or balance;
my dreams change direction
taking off in reverse towards the palace of ice,
once considered a home, a safe place,
now an empty shell devoid of emotion,
i miss the friends found there
the dreams never quite fulfilled;
a tear of pain at what might have been
drops to the sheet, a reminder of implied intimacies,
hinted alliances and of restrained passion,
all gone now, Mr. Legree has foreclosed on us,
orphaned and alone we seek solace
in our vices and cry into the night....

Pt.11-
flashes of remembered scenes crowd the screen,
i play to a SRO audience,
i, producer and director and cast
a poet of all trades, i excell at nothing
and dabble in all the arts,
none up to snuff but recognized as a poet
of some length and regard
i have a brush with greatness
only once every five years
and never a second show,
my track record speaks for it's self...........

tbc....continued yet some more....

2005-05-02T01:27:00.000-07:00

Pt.8

another delay weighs on me
there must be peace in this house
before i can continue my rampage,
the pages may run out before i do
at the rate i'm going now,
six pages filled in less than two hours,
the muse is prolific tonight;
my next task is in preparation for the next time,
i busy myself with the glass
worry over distribution
and settle internal quarrels before they start....

Pt 9
a change of pace, after my task is finished
i choose the memories of the mirror sister,
she may yet become a close friend
only time will tell;
the night grows deeper, shadows beg to come forth,
their pleas reach my mind and trouble me,
do they need permission to be?
or are they just bewitched by the glow of the mirror?
the fire dies quietly in the jar
my fevered brow needs attention
i attend my weary body.....

tbc....continued

2005-04-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

Pt.5-

i need to taste the forbidden once again
i bend to the glass
draw in the powder, you crave the rush now;
but the mood is abruptly broken
by the return of the warden,
now the need for disgression is supreme,
i timed the session wrong
and disappointment clouds my judgement,
i shall wait out the frenzy
i have all the time in the world left,
no one requires me until tomorrow
so i will wait awhile
before i venture back into our world....

P6-
i creep back to my cell cot,
the rush courses through me
i love the feeling and disavow the side effects,
i feel no heat, save the normal searing of the early summer,
the tremors are nothing but reminders
of a terror long passed,
nothing is different now,
even after two and a half hours of solitude,
my night is churning in earnest now;
i plan out my activities carefully
the time table is a well established one,
peace now until her husband comes home
then a period of uncertainity
followed by the rest of the night
an empty void to be filled as i see fit,
my options are limited by the lateness of the hour
but a few do still remain...
Pt 7-
i left my cell
i needed provisions for the night,
potable water and cigarettes,
the staples of a venture into despair,
my time is measured in rises and falls
the ebb and flow of my addiction
directs my movements of the present;
the night draws closer, pulling the air tighter
closing off the air supply to my brain
i grow dizzy and empty thoughts abound
in the emptiness of abandon,
the end of a potion is at hand
switch gears and compensate.....
tbc.....

tbc....continued

2005-04-26T18:44:00.000-07:00

P-3

drifting thoughtwaves
a visit to a safehouse unknown in reality
my destination in a year's time
sisterly invitation, probably not in totally good faith
but i still hold her to her promise,
my hazy friend shall, i hope, accompany me
she and i deserve a vacation
somewhere far from our duties,
her baby may come too
but that is up in the air as yet
and i need no more complications,
but that is still so far from now that
i cannot dwell on it,
sooner i shall venture out with the warden
she is giving me a paroled weekend
even a day and a half out of work
all to enjoy a break, a time away,
i shall be forced to stay clean
she must not come to know
of my weaknesses for the excesses
i will be doomed if she discovers my secret;
even that is too far ahead
too worry over, now.....

P-4

my eyes grow weary
but the muse forges on,
the need to write superceedes the lack of motivation,
my muse knows no lack of words
only the release expulsion brings,
so i do submit to her needs
allow the epic to be created
and save these entries for the future's reference,
to see where i have been,
to remember the travels of my alter-ego;
a catogue of underdeveloped prints
pressed between pages we ourselves have given birth to,
the flow is steady, the drift is blinding,
yet i return to the glass
over and over to refuel my muse.....

tbc

An Evening's Bloodletting 9/6/86

2005-04-24T18:23:00.000-07:00

P1-
the words flow
as the snow drifts disappear,
my addiction is fueled by the solitude
and the musical selection,
i sure know how to set a scene,
especially for myself
and i know how to please the muse,
give her enough ink to hang herself with
if she dares...

P2-
another dose is required
the usage tuned to perfection
my duties elsewhere are ignored,
they will have to fend for themselves
my needs are too vast
to abandon so close to the point of no return,
i remain shut away
up in the cell-loft alone,
dreaming of company,
an evening's companion,
maybe a lover,
or just a friend to share the time,
a dialoge rather than the normal
monovoiced tirade,
tonight is no different than any other
and once again by my own choice....

tbc.....

April 21 1986

2005-04-21T15:56:00.000-07:00

once again
i see the painting,
not the one from the past
but a new one,
three in one,
(bless the unknown artist)
fused our relationship visible
linked to our separate pasts
facing them together,
face to face honesty;
i am in awe
of it's beauty
and our love,
not yet realized
in this life
abundant
in my dreams,
i do love
therefore
i do hurt.....

April 12 1982

2005-04-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

feeling a touch refined,
dinner and a glass of wine,
just what the doctor ordered,
i'll be alright
i needed the change
just to be out and among the population,
i may still find that someone out here,
it used to bother me doing this in public,
but no longer,
why should i be ashamed
i'm doing nothing wrong
these are my feelings
and noone can take them away,
i need my few releases
this is one of them;
i miss seeing the people i love
my lady,
my poet turned author,
any of the people i once cared for,
my tall dark lover of words,
the blonde
all still cross my mind,
i feel the need to be with them
yet to be alone,
neither is really possible.
i am alone in a crowd
yet never truely without my memories,
never truely alone,
a sometimes very scary thought,
what if i really had to prove
that i was only one
not the many who live here
could i?
i have worked so long to prove myself,
that we could all be here
and survive as one
like normal people,
so who dare to ask me to prove such a thing?
my lady,
if only to prove my love?
the blonde,
to prove he has been right all along?
my scholar,
he could ask anything of me
and receive it,
why can't i be like all the others?
is it my lot in this life
to be alone
in the crowd
and be so crowded in my own soul?

a new one...untitled

2005-04-19T19:52:00.000-07:00

….Where can I begin?
Was it your first hello
That stole my heart?
Or the deep blue of your eyes when I looked up to gaze into them as we closed the distance between us?
All I know now is I am lost without you….
I still remember the way you held me
And all the nights we shared
But all I have left is the emptiness…..
I didn’t know one could feel this empty
It’s almost as if you never really existed in my world…
And my world is poorer for your absence..
Cupotrevor
4/19/05

Monday night musings

2005-04-19T18:57:00.000-07:00

.....you walk in the room and my heart sings
it's only when i see through you i come to know
how deep your loss is felt..........

i used to write alot when i was younger and i'm starting to do it again..i'll be posting some new stuff and some of my older pieces as well....

ok this could be fun

2005-04-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

well i've done my profile up now i suppose i just let friends know that i have my own blog...

today is the first day of my blog life

2005-04-19T15:56:00.000-07:00

well this is the first time i'm doing this....i'm just wondering how this will all work out...